The Innocents Abroad

Mark Twain or Three Words of Ours

Recommendation for A Pilgrim’s Progress

The Innocents Abroad Mark Twain Our Words Fat Chum urder

Pilgrim Fat Chum Urder as seen on driver’s license.
(Courtesy of rapparagal).

If you are innocent (or maybe not guilty), and you are abroad, or if you decide that you want to go abroad, especially travel to Italy, and you are particularly British, endowed with a particular posh English accent (in spite of your looking like the bloke in the picture, that is, not really British, but this is none of your concern here or ours either), and once you are in Italy you decide that your first stop is Naples, thus skipping other no less charming places, and you have finally made your mind up, and you check into a hotel, and the front desk clerk first smiles at you, then goes through red tape and stuff, and you gently whip out your papers and hand them over, and he or she goes through them, and stares at the picture on your ID, and reads your name, then looks up at you and then again at the picture, and starts chuckling, and you think something might be wrong with your hat, and you ask poshly: “Is anything the matter, sir/ma’am?”, and the clerk calls out to all those around: “Venite accà, venite a vedè”, and you ask again your poshy question, and get no sensible answer, and a general laughter rises from the street, and you start fidgeting around, and when the uproar seems to have somewhat subsided you demand that an explanation be given to you or else YOU!, and the clerk trying hard to resume a non-hilarious attitude asks you in a whisper: “Would you mind stating and pronouncing clearly your full name to me, sir?”, and awkwardly you do as you’re asked, and the clerk says: “How’s that again, sir?”, and meanwhile an uproarious crowd has gathered in the lobby, and the name you have just finished pronouncing brings down the house with laughter, and that’s when you don’t know what to do…

So, mark twain or three words of ours. This is our recommendation: don’t ever try to spend a holiday in Naples (or in Italy at large – at that) if your full name is Fat Chum Urder.
That’ll be the day, Pilgrim.

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